Hi Roomies, I’m Nari!
Introducing Nari, aka. Lily Smith. A Room of One’s Own’s very own in-house Sexologist, all the way from Australia.
Nari is going to give clear answers to our Roomies questions in The Circle about love, life and sex.
🙋♀️ : I’ll let you know the 9 main features of a narcissist
Narcissistic, my god, I love it… ♪
While everyone may have narcissistic traits, especially in the modern world of social media and instant gratification, this is different to being a full blown narcissist. A diagnosable personality disorder, narcissists take being selfish and confident to a whole new level.
It can be really hard to recognize when someone you love cares more about themself than they do about you. Going through this checklist of traits can help you understand what a narcissist really is.
🙋♀️ : They can be hard to recognize. Don’t ignore the red flags, and seek help from people you trust.
Narcissists can seem very charming and confident when you first meet them, and if they sense that you are attracted to that they can use it to build a fantasy of a romance.
One of my best friends dated a narcissist for years, becoming more and more isolated and unsure of herself. From the moment I met him, I didn’t like him. The way he expected everyone to listen to him, believe his stories and fawn over him. He was the best friend of my friends ex-boyfriend, and they were keeping the relationship a secret until he could ‘tell him properly’. My friend thought it was a whirlwind romance that they couldn’t deny, but all I could think about was how easy he felt it was to not only betray his friend, but also lie to him for months about it. It showed how little respect or empathy he had for others.
My friends narcissistic boyfriend always thought that he was right. Narcissists want to be admired and complimented, they want to talk about themself and not others. If anyone calls them out on it they tend to react badly.
Narcissists want to stay in control all the time. In relationships that can mean getting jealous when their partner spends time with friends, and trying to make them feel guilty for hanging out with other people. The more isolated someone is, the more power the narcissist has over them.
Another key sign of a narcissist is gaslighting. Lying, then accusing others of lying, manipulating you and others, trying to change your reality to always fit the story that they want to tell. Even when caught out in a lie, a narcissist will try to turn it around onto you, and make you believe that it was your fault all along. By the time my friend had finally left her narcissistic boyfriend for good, after he had cheated on her and spent all of her savings, she no longer knew who she was and what she wanted from her life. It took a lot of time, and counselling, for her to rebuild herself and move on.
🙋♀️ : Safety comes first. Don’t look back.
Look at your relationship objectively. Think about how it started, and the patterns that it has followed. Does everything seem to depend on their mood? Do you feel like you are constantly trying to live up to their expectations, so that you can get back to that fairytale romance you thought you had at the beginning?
Talk to friends or family that you trust. Recognise that you can’t change them, and that the love you thought you had shared may have been one-sided.
If you decide to leave, do it cleanly and safely. Narcissists can become aggressive when they feel embarrassed or abandoned. You leaving them, declaring that you don’t want or need them, can potentially make a narcissist respond with violence or revenge. They might spread lies or rumours about you to people you both know, to try to make themselves out to be the victim. It’s best to make as clean a break as possible. Block their number, avoid places you know they frequent if possible, and seek out the comfort of your friends and family.
If they constantly try to contact you, apologising and trying to reconcile, remember that they are just trying to prove that they can get whatever they want. They don’t actually recognise or care about what they have done or how you feel.