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AROOO’s Secret Sex Counselling Service : What’s the real difference between an FWB and a partner?

AROOO’s Secret Sex Counselling Service : What’s the real difference between an FWB and a partner?

Today's Expert 'Ev’Yan Whitney'

3min
AROOO’s Secret Sex Counselling Service : What’s the real difference between an FWB and a partner?

Hi Roomies, I’m Ev’Yan!

Introducing Ev’Yan Whitney

Ev’Yan is a sexuality educator, therapist and writer from the United States. They are communicating with people all around the world through their podcast and book ‘Sensual Self’. 120,000 followers on instagram are also tuning in to Ev’Yan’s stories and advice.

Creating the role of ‘Sexuality Doula’?

In 2014, Ev’Yan coined the term "Sexuality Doula" and pioneered learning and healing methods. A doula is not a healthcare provider, but rather a trained and experienced companion, usually for pregnancy and childbirth. They are a person who is dedicated to taking care of both the body and the mind of a mother during childbirth. A new life needs a lot of help to make it’s way into the world in a safe and healthy way. Ev’Yan’s idea is that a person’s sexual self can also require guidance and support to develop and thrive.

Ev’Yan's role is to guide individuals to let go of their fear and find stability and reach pleasure when exploring their desires.

We compiled some of our Roomie’s most common questions about desire and relationships, and Ev’Yan gave us the answers!

I don’t really want to have sex with my boyfriend.. he’s got a good body but still. Do I just not have a libido or something.. - Hidden Roomie 1
Roomies! Before having sex I thought that I had a lot of desire but then when I actually do it I kind of feel like.. ‘what’s the big deal’ ‘I’m not really turned on’. Is sex really that great…? I feel like I enjoy fantasizing or watching porn more Does anyone else feel the same?

- Hidden Roomie 2

🙋‍♀️ : It’s not all binary! When it comes to sex one of the biggest and most common pinpoints that I get from folks is that they do not know how to be in their bodies fully when they're having sex.

This is something that I see a lot with my women and non-binary clients where, because they have been sort of groomed to be these subservient, quiet, docile, submissive beings and because they have been told over and over again that their pleasure is too complicated or that they're not meant to take up too much space within this sexual interaction that it's all about your partner's pleasure particularly if that partner's a man or masculine of center.

We have to do a lot of work to dismantle and unpack a lot of those narratives that folks are walking around with without even knowing.

I've worked with clients recently who come to me being like “there's nothing wrong with me. I just don't want to have sex and I don't really have that high of a sex drive.”… not everybody is sexual and folks experience sexuality, sexual desire and attraction in a varying amount of ways and they're not wrong for that it's just we're different. (With my clients) we work through it and sometimes they're actually on the ace spectrum, and that gives them a bigger space possibility to be sexual or to be sensual or to experience pleasure and intimacy with themselves and their partners rather than this very binary degree or ‘you’re sexual or you're not’.

Roomies... what is FWB?? - Hidden Roomie 1
Has anyone ever become a couple after starting as fwb? What’s the ending for a fwb relationship? - Hidden Roomie 2
As long as it's not a weird person, it doesn't matter if it's a partner, friend, lover… but how do you know if they’re a weird person or not?

How can I distinguish those things and how can I recognized the right person? - Hidden Roomie 3

🙋‍♀️ : I feel like it depends on the person, right? But…

I mean I think that when it comes to one-night-stands, friends with benefits, the needs are similar but some of them are different right? Like if you are having sex with someone that you only want to see once or twice or want to have a casual sort of situation with your needs might be different or they might be the same.

After you have a sexual experience the differences are in the way that you're treated or in the way that you want to be treated or connect to your partner after sex, with a romantic relationship versus someone that you just had a one night stand with.

I feel that this idea of caring for or feeling cared for or feeling safe, that there's consent conversation involved. I kind of feel like even if it's not the situation with a romantic partner or even if you are doing a sort of one-night-stand casual thing, it's really important to think about these larger questions of like “what do I need to feel safe?”

What kind of conversations do I want to have with this partner that I'm hooking up with to make sure that we're on the same page when it comes to consent? What sort of things do I feel comfortable to reveal about myself so that this person can know a bit about my background? particularly if I am someone who has experienced sexual trauma and violence? What kind of depth and emotional intelligence do I want this person to have so that when we are interacting with each other it feels like a space where we can both have a good time?

I still remember what that person said on our first night I was so traumatized, I can't even look men in the face now - Hidden Roomie 1
I’ve started to really like someone... If we date do we have to do it..? I have a trauma about sex so I’m really worried about it. - Hidden Roomie 2

🙋‍♀️ : Trauma is really complex.

I really want to stress the importance of going to therapy. And I say that as someone who has experienced sexual trauma and who has been in therapy for a long time working through that. Therapy is so important, and it's something that I'm always talking to my clients and my students about. Like I have no shame talking about the fact that I'm in therapy. And I just I think it's such an important thing to invest in.

The trauma that we've experienced might have been in isolation but we don't have to heal from it in isolation. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to ask for support. It's okay to need help and support.

I've worked with people in the past to have been like “this act, this act of violation happened a number of years ago. I don’t know why I still feel the way that I do about it, I should be over it by now”. And I really just want to give folks permission, that it's okay for this to still be a thing that you need help for and it's okay to ask for support.

I think one of the bigger mistakes that I've made in my own healing personally is that when it came to trying to understand my own sexual issues, I was going straight to like logical thinking. Like, let me just read a book… But I also think that we need to make space for the intelligence and inherent wisdom of our body. Because sex happens with our bodies. Trauma happens to our bodies. So, it would make sense that the body is informed through that process of healing. Maybe that means targeting those specific areas of your body that are holding that tension, holding that trauma, holding that shame … getting into some kind of yoga practice or movement practice, dance, walking, something that allows your body to move and find some spaces where it can be free.

I just want folks who have experienced sexual trauma to know that they're not alone. That what happened to them is not their fault and that there are so many people who are ready and willing to support them through this, that they don't have to search for those answers or try to heal themselves by themselves.


References
나의 성욕에 문제가 있다고 느낀 적...

연애 감정 없이 섹스만 하는 친구 사이(fwb), 나는...

가장 선호하는 연애 스타일은?

  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 4

    진짜 도움 되는 글이다

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    나쁘게만 봤었는데 그건 아니었네요 ...

    2022.10.21
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 6

    진짜 자기만의방 최고인더ㅠ같아요....

    2022.10.21
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 7

    예전에 아는 오빠랑 한번 하고나서 서로 잘맞아서 사귀진않고 섹파로 남았던 기억이 있는데..(남친없었을때입니다!!!)하면서도 약간 죄책감? 같은게 들더라구요ㅠ 내가 이상한가...하고... 친구랑 얘기해봐도 그럴수있다 본인도 그런적있다고 하는데도 제 마음이 이해가 안되서 금방 정리했었던 기억이 있네요 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 나쁘다기보단 그냥 생각의 차이..? 받아들이는 차이라고 생각하지만 애인이 있다면...🤬

    2022.10.22
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 8

    이런 칼럼이 많아지면 좋겠네요!

    2022.10.24
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 9

    어차피 가치관 다르면 이해 못하겠지만 fwb와 연애는 아예 별개라고 생각해요. 그 사이 경계 잘짓고 선넘지 않는 관계라면, 연애할때 이전의 파트너와 정리를 깔끔하게 잘한다면 문제될거 하나없죠! 딱 욕구만 푸는거랑 사랑섹스는 다르니깐요 ㅎㅎ

    2022.10.25
  • user thumbnale
    춤추는 울프

    사랑하지 않는 사람과 하고 싶지 않아요. 관계 후의 케어나 나의 감정 기분이 좋지 않을 것 같다는 생각도 들고... 아직은 그래요.

    2022.10.26
  • user thumbnale
    유래없는 새벽

    파트너면 파트너 연인이면 연인 이게 좋은 거 같아요 fwb라는 관계를 경험해봤는데 굉장히 애매해요 결국 목적은 잠자리 같아서 친구보단 파트너라는 느낌이 !

    2023.01.08
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 10

    fwb..편하고 나쁘지 않지만 괜히 저는 상대가 신경 쓰이게 되는거같아요 .. 좋아하는 감정도 아니고 무슨 감정인진 모르겠지만 그걸 신경쓰는 내가 싫어서 이사람이랑 진짜 속궁합이 너무너무너무 맞는거 아니면 안할거같아옹 ~

    2023.01.09
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 11

    지금 서로 합의하고 fwb관계로 지내는 사람이 있는데 정말 애매해요. 다른 댓에서도 언급된 거처럼 굳이 따지면 연인보단 파트너에 가까운 거 같아요.

    2023.04.13
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 12

    진짜 너무 도움되는글ㅠㅠ

    2023.04.15
  • deleteCommentdeleted.1
  • user thumbnale
    다가오는 솜사탕

    오케이. 글 읽자마자 정했어. 나 니랑 엪덥 못해!!!

    2023.06.11
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 14

    지금 fwb관계인 친구가 있는데 저는 너무 만족하고있어요. 일단 성향(주종관계) 도 잘 맞고 상대친구가 배려심이 많고 대화도 잘 하는 편이라 사로 하고 싶었던 체위,상황극,기구 등등 아주 마음껏 하고 있답니다. 그냥 파트너 사이와는 다르게 확실히 그냥 누구보다 친하게 만나서 놀고 맛있는거 먹고 관계하면서 만나고 있는게 개인적으로 올해 한 일중에 이 친구를 만난게 제일 잘 한 일이라고 생각해요~

    2023.06.30
  • deleteCommentdeleted.1
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 15

    저고 지금 fwb 있는데 애매하긴 해요… 연인처럼 할 거 다 하는데 데이트도, 연락도, 섹스도. 근데 연인은 아니에요! (오늘 하루 어땠어 이런 일상 안부 묻고 연락해서) 섹파는 아닌 것 같은데 또 섹파인 것 같기도 하고 그런 느낌입니다…

    2023.07.12
    • user thumbnale
      숨어있는 자기 28

      전 자꾸 마음이 커졌는데 상대방이 그걸 눈치채고 먼저 관계를 암묵적으로 정리해서 마음이 아팠지만 애초에 연애한게 아니라 다른 애인들과의 관계정리보단 금방 정리할 수 있어서 fwb가 마냥 안좋은 추억으로 남아있진 않아요! 그런데 또 시작하라하면 어려울 것 같은…끙

      2024.10.23
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 16

    fwb 있으면 좋을 듯 관계를 하다보면 없던 호감과 사랑? 도 생길 것 같아요

    2023.10.14
  • user thumbnale
    완성된 아기물새

    예전엔 fwb가 가능하다고 생각했는데 당시 방황하며 혼란스러운 시기를 보내고 있어서 그랬던 것 같아요. 멘탈이 안정되니 저에게는 보통의 연인관계가 제일 최고라는 걸 깨달았어요 ㅎ

    2023.11.20
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 17

    저는 현재 fwb 있는데 좋아용 의무적인 연락이나 만남을 싫어하는 편이라 어떠한 의무도 없다는 게 좋구여. 둘이 만나서 대화할 땐 끅끅댈정도로 웃긴 일도 많아서 그런거 보면 오로지 파트너라기보다는 확실히 친구 느낌도 있으면서 서로 원하는 섹스를 할 수 있어서 좋아요. 연인 관계일 땐 별로 안 하고 싶어도 섹스마저 의무적으로 해야할 때가 있는데 요건 맘이 깊지 않아서 그에 비해 자유로운 것 같아요.

    2023.11.29
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 18

    fwb가 참 애매한건 ,상대에게 연인이 생겼을때 ,그때 알게되는 내감정도..

    2023.12.12
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 19

    fwb 라는걸 많이 보긴 봤는데 이런 뜻이었구나

    2024.03.10
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 20

    본문의 댓글중에 섹스전이 더 흥분된다는 얘기 너무 공감했어 섹스 중반에는 생각보다 흥분이 안되는데 뭐가 문제인걸까?

    2024.03.21
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 21

    섹파가 있던 애인 그걸 알 게 되었을 때 그 마음 다 정리하고 나한테 왔다고 해도 두고두고 잊지 못 할 감정... 하지 마요 이런 거

    2024.05.26
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 22

    감정이 없는데 어떻게 흥분하지...상대가 나한테 관심없다는 생각이 들면 달아오르지 못하는 타입이라 불가능...

    2024.06.05
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 23

    애초에 fwb 자체가 불건전한 관계인거 아닌가 ㅋㅋ; 결혼할 때 배우자가 그런 짓 했다는 거 알면 정말 정내미가 다 떨어질듯 전 절대 안해요

    2024.06.07
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 24

    뭐야 댓글 왜이래; 본인들이 뭔데 해라 마라에요...그저 상호존중 + 합의로 여러 관계가 있을수 있는건데...남이 하지마라 이러는게 진짜 웃김ㅜ 이러니까 사람들이 속으로 앓고 말도 못하지...

    2024.07.24
  • deleteCommentdeleted.1
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 25

    저는 마음이 없으면 애초에 둘이 보거나 스킨십도 불가능한데 연애랑 별개로 잠만 자는 fwb가 어떻게 가능한지 모르겠어요 정말 이성적 호감없이 잠만 잘 수 있나요?

    2024.07.31
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 26

    fwb 장점은 심리적으로 편해요.(서로 깊은 관계 안원하는 사람끼리 만나야됩니다<<<핵중요)문제는 fwb인척 하면서 애인처럼 대해주는 섹파를 노리는 사람이 많기 때문에 조심 해야 한다는것ㅎ.. 보수적인 한국 정서에 안맞고 서로 의견 조율이 필수라 아직은 어려운 개념이라 생각해요. 해외도 저 문제로 상처 입은 사람 많다고 들었어요.

    2024.09.28
  • user thumbnale
    숨어있는 자기 27

    본인의 배우자가 fwb던 원나잇이던 섹파던 있었어도 아무 상관 없다~ 하는 사람이면 남의 인생이지만 이해할 수 없긴 함 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 이게 보수라면 그냥 저는 계속 보수 할게요 제 남편은 그런거 없는 과거를 가지고 오면 좋겠거든요... 감정없이 관계만 하는건 너무 성욕에 지배된 사람같네요

    2024.10.12
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